According to a listserv, these are Steven Wright jokes. They are different. He puts a lot of thought into his observations. Try to come up with similar stuff and you’ll see how hard it is. Enjoy.

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect
it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my
hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left
me before we met.

12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible
ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays
off now.

19. I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to
the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll
have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
don’t have film!